unresolved feelings

i don't understand why i have so much trouble getting over people i've been with. i still have feelings for so many people, most of whom are in a different state. i can never truly be happy unless i'm over all of you. there's so much i wish i could say to all of you, but it won't happen. in most cases, you're better off not knowing. or, you already know, it just hasn't been confirmed. for many reasons, these are things i can never say; but i still feel like i need to get it out. who knows, maybe this will help... i hope.

1. let's call you bryan.
i've loved you for years now. you were my fairytale happy ending. when we told people our story, some would cry. everyone was jealous of us, our relationship, our connection. it was instant. i've always said that i don't believe in love at first sight, but the first time i saw you, i somehow knew you were different. that we would have some sort of future. that i'd fall in love with you. that you'd fall in love with me. and we did. but we changed, we grew apart. of course, i can't see how i've changed, though it'd be naive and stupid to say that i haven't. i can only see how you changed, and how detrimental those changes were to our relationship. and so it ended. it's been a long, hard road, but i finally don't miss you as my boyfriend anymore. but i miss my best friend. you were exactly that for one third of my life, and now you're just gone. it's too much change at one time to deal with. sometimes, i feel like i can talk to you, and sometimes not. we both know i've been through hell, yet this is still the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with. i wish you would just close the door for me, say it out loud... i hope you know that you're still stringing me along, based on the last thing you said to me. cut me loose. please. though hearing those words might make it even harder.

2. your new name is bella.

3. james

4. alex

5. danielle

6. ben

7. michael

changing your names but keeping some sort of connection helps to open up about all of you.

seven people. for most, if seven people were in their heart, they'd explode. i'm not entirely sure how i haven't. and i've just recently taken... jason off that list. so, there were eight. why can't i move on? i know i will never have a real relationship with any of you in the future. yet, i still hold on, try as i might to let go.

letting go has never been a talent of mine.